FUNDING CONFIRMED FOR SCOTLANDS FIRST WILD HAGGIS SANCTUARY

£2.5 Million funding has been officially announced today by the organisation ‘SHAFTER’ (Scottish Haggis Allowed Freedom To Eternally Roam) to create a Wild Haggis sanctuary and feeding station near Gatehouse of Fleet in South West Scotland. 

Founder of SHAFTER Mr Hunty Gowk told DGWGO in an exclusive interview that they had chosen Dumfries and Galloway to be the site for their first Haggis sanctuary after years of scientific study of the shy creatures’ habits and preferences.

Hunty Gowk Said “Our scientific team have discovered that the now rare Lowland Haggis that lives and breeds in South West Scotland, numbers are rapidly dwindling. This was the main reason for the decision to invest in our first Haggis sanctuary in the area. Back in 2016 we found a fantastic 1000 acre site in the hills above Gatehouse of Fleet that we have now managed to purchase. Last year we ring fenced the area to help stop predators like Brafers and Wherarewez trying to eat the Haggis eggs during laying season (February – March) and our first hatchlings are now starting to appear, and fingers crossed it is looking like we should have an increase in the local population, if the weather conditions stay fair and there are no more hard frosts.”

Hunty continued “Something that our scientific study has revealed is that Haggi are naturally colour blind and due to this they cannot focus properly when they see tartan, so to them anything in tartan seems invisible. Our Haggis historian from Germany ‘Frank Furter’ found out from reading anncient Scottish text discovered in the cellar below Glenluce Abbey, that this was why scots wore kilts and bonnets (hats).”

Frank Said ” In ancient times Haggis was one of the most abundant sources of food in Scotland, but Haggi are fast creatures with very sensitive hearing, so when the Haggis hunters went out to gather a few braces of the much loved delicacy they always wore tartan, as it seemed to make them invisible, they would wear a tartan bonnet on their heads plus their kilts wrapped around their waists and thrown over their shoulders to almost cover them totally in tartan so that the Haggis could not see them coming. This however didn’t stop the small hairy animals hearing their foe approaching to catch them and most could still get away. The hunters would sometimes have to be out on the moors and hills for hours and hours on end, and due to needing to stay invisible to the hairy wee beasties that they were trying to catch, they could not lift their kilts to urinate, so the tradition of not wearing any underwear below the kilt, to allow freedom was born.”

” This so called freedom was misquoted in a line from the 1995 film Braveheart by actor Mel Gibson when he said ‘They may take away our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!’ what was actually said in ancient times was ‘ Please take away our Calvin Kleins and gie us ooor freedom!” 

This was when the bagpipes were also invented, the drone of the bagpipes seemed to  hypnotise the Haggis and this made it so all the Haggis Hunters (or Haggis Bashers as they become known) had to do was give the Haggis a bash to stun them and they could pick them up and throw them into their Sporran (the term given to throwing the haggis was then called minging and throwers were called mingers, it was a huge honour to be a minger), (In ancient times a sporran was far bigger than the modern version is today, and it was worn as a sack on the back and was traditionally made from ‘Baws’ a cloth made from seaweed. This became known as a Baw Sack or Bag) (over the years and even still today the phrase ‘You Minging Baw Bag’ can still be heard being shouted in pubs and night clubs across the country).“

The national organisation ‘Scottish Haggish Investment In Tourism Everywhere’ (SHIITE) have said that they are investing in a Visitor Centre and Wild Haggis feeding station and several tartan Haggis photography/watching hides at the site of the new multimillion pound sanctuary. They are hoping to have the works completed and ready to open to the public by February 30th 2021.

A spokesperson for SHIITE ‘Eubie Quicker’ stated “We are only too pleased to help SHAFTER by investing in their project and helping them to develop their wonderful new sanctuary, we hope to give as much SHIITE investment as we can and really help in the saving of the Lowland Haggis”

DGWGO will keep you up to date with further developments from the South of Scotland Hairy Haggis Sanctuary as we receive more reports. Have a great April Folks! 😉

Text Written By RB. (Copyright DGWGO 1/4/19)